I’ll be honest. It’s been a tough couple of weeks. Grief has been hitting me hard. We are so happy to be here in Uganda, where we know we are meant to be. There is so much richness in living in a culture outside your own. We love the smells, the birdsong, the street food, the people. But despite how much we love and are grateful for all these things, it does not take away the loss of the life we left behind.
I find myself missing little things, like the pretty countertops in our townhouse, or wearing chunky sweaters, or our fancy espresso machine. I miss bubble tea, and houses without walls and razor wire, and trees that I can identify. I miss my team at work and lunchtime walks around Georgetown. I miss our friends. I miss being able to hop in the car to go see my family, and being a regular part of my nieces’ and nephew’s lives. There is a lot of loss, and a lot of grief.
Going into “Staff Week” last Wednesday was a challenge for me. The team here at eMi Uganda has been struggling in a number of ways. In a multi-cultural, multi-disciplinary office with people coming and going all the time, you can imagine the myriad of misunderstandings and mistakes that can happen. The eMi Uganda office has also grown significantly over the past 10 years, leading to some growing pains and need for changes in policy. At Staff Week, we really got to the heart of some of these issues and were able to see God start to refine us as a team. The work has just begun.
Despite my not being responsible for or directly involved in any of the issues, they still hurt. If you know me well, you know I’m an emotional sponge. This is a good thing, because it means I can really empathize with someone. That being said, if I’m not careful I can take on other peoples hurt, pain and frustration. I have to be very intentional to make sure this doesn’t happen because it can so easily weigh me down in a very unhealthy way. So you can imagine that going into staff week already an emotional mess was a bit scary (And yes, I did cry in front of one of my coworkers unintentionally. I tried y’all, but the tears just came.)
But the Lord sees my heart and knows my inmost being. He knows what we need. I received an email from a dear friend of mine Wednesday morning, it contained a poem that is an interpretation of Psalm 91:
In the secret place I dwell as in
His shadow I abide;
The Lord, He is my Shepherd,
He is always by my side.
My Savior and my Fortress,
With Him I can endure;
He is my Great Protector,
My trust in Him is sure.
Though danger be around me,
His angels lift me high;
From evil I’m protected
And plagues shall not come nigh.
With His name upon my lips,
In safety I shall dwell
And when I call, He’ll answer;
He’ll deliver me as well.
With long life and salvation
Will He fill my earthly days,
As I glorify and serve Him
All with victory and praise.
-Written by Helen Gleason
I was reminded of John 15:4 where Jesus says, “Abide in me, and I in you.” I have been clinging to these words this week as I seek comfort. This life God has ushered us into is one that will always involve grief. We will always be grieving something, whether it be the loss of time spent with loved ones, the loss of belonging to any one culture, or the loss of being understood. Yet there is so much refinement in this grief, and there is so much joy that comes with the process. Even though this was a tough week, God placed moments of joy in my path.
I was able to spend time with some of the women in the office that I don’t get to work with often. And let me tell you, these ladies really brought me so much joy and comforted my heart. We laughed, we danced, we sang and gave praise to the Lord together. I was reminded that the Lord meets us wherever we are. We don’t have to work to be “good enough” to meet with Him. We just have to abide in Him, rely on Him, seek Him. The sorrow may last for the night but there is ALWAYS joy in the morning. We just need to open our eyes to see it.
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